'The Colbert Report' Recap: Jack Johnson

On Thursday's episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen discussed the Obamas, water, bullets and Jack Johnson performed.
Stephen began the broadcast talking about water and First Lady Michelle Obama. He said that she was a friend of the show and that she was a lovely lady. However, since she had began the Let’s Move campaign, Stephen said that she was trying to stuff nutrition down the American people’s mouths- like chili cheese fries.

The first lady stated that Americans need to drink more water. According to studies, 7% of Americans don’t drink any water at all. Stephen refused to drink another glass and said that water is the same thing that they have in toilets.

He said if he drank one more glass of water a day that would mean that he would be drinking one glass a day and he refused to do that. He did say that the 7% of Americans that don’t drink water get their hydration from watermelon jolly ranchers.

Stephen even, sarcastically, pointed out that Jesus hated water. He wouldn’t drink it (turned it to wine) and even refused to get into it (walking on water). Because of this, Stephen said that he was going to boycott water. He wouldn’t use it at all.

To change topics, Stephen discussed The Affordable Healthcare Act (ObamaCare). He said that he was going to end ObamaCare or die trying. He sarcastically said that, just his luck, he would die and be nursed back to life by ObamaCare.

He showed a clip of FOX News stating that the ObamaCare was dead. To celebrate, Stephen brought “death” out and twerked (shout out to Miley) against him with a foam finger and his tongue out.

However, the “good news” ended when Stephen learned that it might not actually be over. Actually, it is just that the republicans will shut down the government if ObamaCare isn’t defunded. Also, people may like ObamaCare and it freaks the GOP out. Apparently, they need to defund it before people start to like it.

The healthcare plan, however, has navigators to tell people about the plan and to promote it. Sixteen states are restricting those navigators from working. Florida (of course Florida has something to say) said that the navigators for the healthcare plan couldn’t operate inside of the health department. Stephen joked that they wanted to keep those who wanted to insure people away from people without insurance.

Florida also said that health centers couldn’t give out brochures unless someone asks for it. Stephen pointed out that how would people know to ask for the brochures if they hadn’t heard about it from brochures?

Stephen joked that they shouldn’t worry about it because the GOP had voted 41 (!!) times to repeal ObamaCare. And people wonder why congress has such a low approval rating.

Stephen (finally) stopped the advertisement mocking and did a classic Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger bit.

He gave a TOH to Bacon bullets, also called 'Jihawg Ammo.’ The bullets made of pig meat are used to target Islamic extremists because the religion sees the meat as unclean. When an Islam touches the meat they are told that they will not receive virgins after death, as they were taught. The makers of the bullets stated that they made it while sitting around a campfire while drinking adult beverages.

Stephen worried however that any pork product made in America would not sell well because Americans wouldn’t want to waste meat on enemies. He gave the company a tip of his hat and suggested that they make the Hamgranade so the Americans could have more meat.

Stephen gave George Clooney a WMF. He said that Clooney was wasting his money by buying a spy satellite to spy on the Sudanese leaders. He said that Clooney should simply date him and TMZ could do all the spying for him. Lame.

Jack Johnson performed and was interviewed by Stephen. They talked about being relaxed and rock and roll.

Johnson said that he has written 40 love songs for his wife. (And women everywhere swooned) Johnson and Stephen then had a contest blowing a feather.

He performed the song ‘Bahamas.’

P.S: I’m getting tired of this twerking thing. Aren’t you?