‘The Royals’ recap: Episode #2, 'Infants of the Spring'

E!’s first scripted series had a very dramatic debut last week with future kings dying, princesses huffing blow, princes engaging in (steamy) pre-marital sex with the help, and lots and lots of weed.

I admit I was skeptical that Elizabeth Hurley could do much more than snarkily raise her eyebrow, spit venomous slander and pretend to be a royal monarch (fine, I was surprised her face was capable of moving at all). Not to mention the surprise of her contributing to an entertaining show, but I was very pleasantly surprised by last week’s premiere of The Royals.

Granted the show’s portrayal of what it’s like behind closed doors over at Buckingham Palace is surely far from the truth and stems more along the lines of Gossip Girl or 90210, but I was intrigued by the storyline and must confess that the bright blue eyes and charisma of William Moseley, who plays Prince Liam, didn’t hurt.

The palace is stacked with a plethora of characters. So, to make it all a bit easier, let's go through a short description of each:

King Simon (Vincent Regan): He is the loveable father and King playing devil's advocate to his wife’s sinister, condescending and cruel demeanor. He adores his children and is sickened by what has become of the royal culture, especially after the loss of his first born son, Robert. Last week, he made the power move of making a referendum to abolish the monarchy.

Prince Liam (William Moseley): Aka the television version of Prince Harry, the rugged, free-spirited prince unburdened by the monarchy since his older brother will eventually take the throne. His golden, tousled hair and crooked smile are made more attractive by his desire to live his own life. Oh, and he’s not opposed to dating non-royals.

Princess Eleanor (Alexandra Park): The partier; the druggy; the rebel. She is fierce and fashionable and gives less than zero you know whats. She is more than willing to use her money and power on everything her mother could possibly frown upon. She also apparently has a thing for threesomes, so… there’s always that. Her mother, aka Queen of England, may have asked her who fondled her as a child to make her the way she is - “Cyrus of Course.”

Prince Cyrus (Jake Maskall): He is the epitome of the creepy uncle who’s bitter that the throne was never even an option for him. He may be unreliable, but you can rest assured he will bring more harm than good.

Princesses Penelope (Lydia Rose Bewley) and Maribel (Hatty Preston): Cyrus’ daughters. You can equate them to the clueless royal twins Amanda Bynes takes under her wing in What A Girl Wants. They resemble the real-life royal cousins Beatrice and Eugenie.

Ophelia (Merritt Patterson): The token American who sleeps with Prince Liam upon meeting him drunkenly at a bar. She just happens to be the head of security’s daughter. NBD. Oh, and the Queen hates her now.

Got it?

This week focuses on a casual soiree, as it so often does (or so I imagine) in royal life. Whoever said garden parties were dry and boring clearly never watched a show about the royal family. First, Amanda Bynes pushed that creep into a lake, thus tarnishing her father’s political campaign (again,What A Girl Wants, duh), and now this party to which Liam has invited his current girlfriend-ish-person, Ophelia, despite her walking in on his ex-girlfriend, Gemma, in lingerie in his bedroom. She’s casually named after her family’s diamond cartel. Yeah, me too, Gemma.

I think he really does like Ophelia, but he tells Gemma he’s not with her, they’re just “hanging out.” Apparently, it’s not just college boys, but royals too. The lot of them, I swear…

Eleanor enters the party of elegant women in oversized hats and men in perfectly tailored suits smoking a blunt and carrying a bottle of champagne, while Liam decides to crowd surf - cue Hurley’s said eyebrow raise. You have to applaud their inherent desire to disobey their mother at all costs, even if it’s in the most cliché ways.

Did anyone else notice the shameless plug the Queen makes for Diane Von Furstenberg? If you recall, E! gave her a show last year. Those marketing execs think they’re so sneaky.

Ophelia and Gemma engage in a full on drinking battle with the winner somehow meant to be more deserving of Prince Liam’s heart. Ophelia appears to have won until she passes out mid-step with Liam watching, which actually turns out to be less embarrassing then when she involuntarily projectiles during his explanation of Gemma. It’s her class the Queen loves so much. Thank God she’s representing Americans on this show. Even though Liam is completely fine with her behavior, she decides to end what has barely begun between them, but assures him, for the first time in his life, that he will make a great king someday.

Actually, there’s another American this episode who is black mailing Penelope with practically pornographic videos. We Americans are off to a good start. To his defense he does spare her from hooking up with an Olympic asshole. So he has that going for him, even though his intentions aren’t completely clear. Maybe he’s somehow developed some sort of reverse Stockholm syndrome.

Excess and indulgence. That’s what you can expect from The Royals. Gossip Girl fans rejoice, you may finally have another match.

The King has decides to pause his disablement of the throne and give Liam a chance. We shall see how that goes.

Tune in to The Royals next Sunday at 10/9c on E!
Image courtesy of INF Photo